How to Find New Direction After Divorce

Divorce is an intersection in life, forcing you from the path you thought you were traveling. Suddenly the walk you were taking with a partner is a solitary one, and you must keep stepping on alone. But how?

“How do I find new direction in my life” is a frequent question at our Raleigh divorce workshop. Even those who initiated the split from their partner find themselves wondering where to go from here. It’s not an easy path, and each person’s is different. But therapists offer some guidance for everyone going through divorce. Here are some thoughts:

1. Be patient. At first, it may require all your energy to get out bed each day. The year you spend separated from your spouse in North Carolina is a time to find a new place to live, work out agreements about child custody, possibly find new employment, and take on responsibilities you may have formerly left to your spouse. It’s OK if you can’t think past the daily activities as you adjust to this new normal.
2. Work through your emotions. Divorce can cause anger, resentment, grief, fatigue, self-loathing, guilt, pain, and nearly every other non-happy emotion one can experience. Whether you are seeing a therapist or meeting with friends over wine each week for some more casual therapy, it’s important to work through all of these feelings so you can return to a baseline. Finding new direction when you’re still raw is next to impossible.
3. Rediscover/remember yourself. In healthy relationships, we maintain some sense of ourselves, even as we forge ahead as a couple. But even in those cases, our sense of self is filtered through the lens of being part of a team. Unhealthy relationships often erode the individual over time. Take this time to remember what you used to do and love. For example, you love going to arts and craft fairs, but your spouse hated it so you rarely went. What hobbies did you once have that you’ve lost touch with? You might also reconnect with old friends.  
4. Try something new. Once you begin to remember your past self, it’s time to take a step forward with someone new. It’s not uncommon for the newly divorced to get a new haircut or try a new look or even move to a new city. Maybe it’s a hobby you always wanted to try or a career move you felt you couldn’t pursue before.
5. Journal. Chronicling your thoughts, feelings, and the process in a journal will help you on your journey. One year later, you can look back and see how far you’ve come.
6. Be alone for awhile. Dine out by yourself. Go to the movies solo. It’s scary, but it can help you grow.
7. Date adventurously. When you are ready to date again, don’t date with an end goal of finding a spouse. Date for fun. Date people you never would have dated before. Approach dating as a chance to meet new people, have fun trying new activities. Avoid your “type” of person for awhile and see what happens.

By the time you work through these suggestions, you should feel a bit of your old spark inside and you may begin to get new ideas about life’s possibilities. Soon your question isn’t, “How do I find new direction?” but instead, “Which direction do I want to take?”