Making the Decision to Get a Divorce

Few people wake up one day and decide they want a divorce without any prior thought. Making the decision to get a divorce is often a process, a slow march toward the moment when one or both of you decides the marriage is not working.

While infidelity may sometimes make the decision process faster, it may not. And if that’s not the reason you’re thinking about divorce, then chances are, things have slowly changed over time. You’re wondering, worrying, weighing the options.

Thoughts on Divorce When Making the Decision

As you go through this agonizing process, here are some thoughts to consider:

• Reasons – Many people assume a cheating spouse is one of the most common causes of divorce, but it’s actually not on the top 10 list of reasons. Your reasons for thinking about divorce may be clear, but if your partner’s offenses in the marriage are not dealbreakers, you might think about staying. Consider what you are willing to tolerate in a partner. In some cases, such as constant cheating, lying, drug or alcohol abuse, or a gambling problem, he or she may have promised to stop, to do better, to not hurt you again. But will those promises last? Divorce Magazine calls these “hard offenses.” These types of habits are hard to change and it’s nearly impossible to change a person in general. Can you make your life the way you want it to be with this person? On the other hand, you may have fallen out of love with your partner over time, due to a lack of intimacy, or maybe you find him or her boring now, or you have other reasons that are “soft offenses.” Are you willing to stay despite those? What if you woke up in five years and everything was the same? Sometimes, staying in the unhappy life is worse than the scary change of getting a divorce. Other times, the current situation is temporary and can improve with some work and effort. (See Counseling below.)
• Your Offenses – As they say, it takes two to tango. You may be thinking only of what your partner has or has not done to the relationship. But take a look at your own half of the marriage. Are you contributing somehow to the problems? Is it something you can work on, and if so, will that help? Will that lead to change? Even if you end up divorcing your partner, knowing your offenses will help you make your next relationship better.
• Counseling – Are you willing to try counseling? Is your partner willing to try, too? Many therapists offer marriage counseling, and if you’re both willing, you might find a way to work on some of the problems that have you considering divorce. If you’re feeling more sure about divorce, you might consider discernment counseling, a way to help couples decide if divorce is the right path.
• Children – Of course this is on the list, and it’s something every parent thinks of the minute they think of divorce. How will this affect the children? It’s not uncommon for couples to wait until children are in college or reach some other milestone before separating. Sometimes, that’s a good idea. But if you and your partner fight constantly, creating an angry, unhappy environment at home, staying together might be worse for the children than separation. Weigh whether your home environment is better or worse for your children now than it would be if divorced.

A volunteer family therapist speaks at our divorce workshop each month about a variety of issues surrounding divorce. Even if you’re just thinking about divorce in a vague way, join us at our next workshop to get all the information you need to make the right decision.